The rest of the week has been pretty rough…
After writing my blog I took action: I sent my coach a message and I’m meeting him on Tuesday. I’ll keep you updated about how that went! I also finally had the courage to talk things out with someone else.
In short, I wanted to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. We were very close which complicated things and caused confusion. That confusion made me crazy and I wanted something more clear. We both just leaned towards different things.
I couldn’t sleep for hours which was pretty fucked up because I had to swim for nearly three hours early the next morning. It’s funny how something that upsets you emotionally can bring you down physically so much. I don’t remember much of that training honestly. Just that it wasn’t my best performance.
The thing is, the support and comfort he gave me helped me so much more than my family or (other) friends. I know that a project like this is something you really have to yourself and I know that he’s still willing to support and comfort me but I just feel so much more alone in this now.
We also had our dog euthanised on Friday…
It was his time. He was old and could barely walk without someone else supporting his paralysed hind legs. We rescued him from a shelter. We gave him a much better life than he could’ve had.
It was beautiful to be able to be there for him and watch him go on. But it’s painful and hard to say goodbye to the furry little friend that’s been living with you for eight years..
I had a good distraction Saturday though. I followed an endurance SWOD at SwimGym. I was the only woman but I swam in the lead! That was pretty motivating and it felt really good! This really showed me that the hard work from the past months have really paid off!
Saturday night I also had a party. It was so nice to just have fun with my village girl friends, to dance, sing really loudly to crappy music, make awkward videos and photo’s and to just be distracted from the sadness for a night. I had a good time!
I guess the positivity of Saturday made today extra hard. Since the last time I wrote I have spent every night laying awake for hours. When I would wake up in the morning I would feel unrested and I would have dreamed about being rejected or of purges.
Today has been dragging on forever. All I could do was lay in bed. Wednesday feels weeks ago and I’m just glad the week has finally come to an end. Monday is the start of a new week and hopefully some new energy.
I know that today’s story isn’t much about my swimming progress but I really felt the need to write about it. I mean even with rough weeks and private life downfalls I still have to go on. I still have to swim and I don’t want to pretending that I’m fine when I’m not.
But I also know that the sun will shine again when it’s done raining. I’ll just start doing a sun dance to make the clouds go away faster!
I am a nineteen-year-old girl from Baambrugge, a tiny village near Amsterdam, with big ambitions. I like to set big goals for myself, I like to explore my own boundaries and see if I can expand them.